In Which I Apply To Be The New Smashing Pumpkins Guitarist

Late last week, the Smashing Pumpkins put up a want ad for a new guitarist to accompany them on their massive tour next year with Green Day and Rancid.

The internet was in absolute disbelief over the weekend as rumors leaked out that I would be throwing my hat into the ring (pick into the pit?) and try my luck as next Pumpkin up. I'm here to confirm that those rumors are true. My resume is updated and I have already submitted all relevant materials to Red Light Management.

This is a pretty new publication, so I wouldn't be surprised if most of you don't know me or much about me. So you may be shocked to learn that I am a semi-professional rock guitarist with a decent sized list of bands I've played in that have had major radio airplay in the last two decades.

And the reason you would be so shocked to learn that is because none of it is true.

Do I have a guitar? Yes (two!). Do I play it often? Eh. Often enough I guess. Am I really good at it? No, not at all. But I can carry a song as long as I don't have to solo or sing at the same time as playing something complicated. And I have no shame! That's gotta be worth something, right? Oh, also I've never been in a band before. But I have seen a lot of movies about being in a band and enjoyed a number of them.

So you might be asking yourself how I put together an entire resume to send over to the Pumpkins' management. The same way I wrote the majority of my papers in college: total bullshit!

BEHOLD!

I know this is a pretty new publication, but maybe it'll be super short-lived because I'll be on tour living the rock star life and all you plebs will be left in your miserable regular person lives.

Unless (somehow!) this doesn't come through for me in which case I've always loved every one of you and would never think of saying anything bad about you.